


Of Notes And Names

by TheyCallMeDanger



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/F, F/M, Letters, Love, M/M, Multi, Pain, Romance, Struggle, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-03
Updated: 2014-05-03
Packaged: 2018-01-21 19:07:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1560887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheyCallMeDanger/pseuds/TheyCallMeDanger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"He was staring at me with glittering eyes, like maybe he knows something I didn't, like maybe he had seen this world twice over and done things I couldn't have even imagined. I knew that in both cases, They were true but that wasn't what captivated me." It was that familiar face.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Notes And Names

Chapter 1: Of Notes And Names  
Part I

He was staring at me with glittering eyes, like maybe he knows something I didn't, like maybe he had seen this world twice over and done things I couldn't have even imagined. I knew that in both cases, They were true but that wasn't what captivated me.  
He drew one arm out of the thin bars of the holding cell and held up his unlit cigarette to me. I stared at it blankly before mumbling out an apology about not having a lighter on hand. He only smiled to himself, with such a small condescending smile that I'm sure that it's part of the reason that he's where he is in the first place.  
None of that is what draws me in. It's the fact that I knew this face, the familiarity of it shook me to my very core in a place I hadn't been touched in nearly twelve years. All it took was seeing his face and I was there again, reduced to nothing more than a sniveling, bespeckled with freckles, kid on the playground.  
Another holdee in the cell promptly lit the end of his cancer stick. " Exeters" the pack read and he took one out and offered it to the other man. He took a long drag off it, eyes staring down at his dirty boots, clouded by a fringe of black lashes. His hazel eyes rose back to me.  
" So you're here to help me or what?"  
It was moreover a demand than it was a question. One long hand held a cigarette between two digits while the other sifted thorough his hair idly. Light brown hair against his lighter skin and his palm rested against the darkened buzz of the shaved sides of his head.   
" Well, that is my job Mr. Kirsten."   
He seemed vaguely satisfied of my answer and nodded towards the guards that were on either side of me. With that They ushered me back out the long hallway to the main hall.  
" He didn't even ask me my name." I exhaled in both surprise and relief.  
" You'll be 'you' and 'Mr. Lawyer guy' from now on" one guard laughed.  
I wasn't paying attention anymore, my mind was far away. How I made it to my car and then on to my driveway, I would never know. Turning the key out of the ignition, I just sat there in thought.  
Long before briefcases and suites and ties, I wore something different altogether. Mostly cargo shorts and shirts with stupid sayings on it like " If video games were a class, I'd ace it." Then again, I was 12 and at that age, everyone was wearing them so it wasn't anything out of the norm.  
I was always a shy quite kid, I didn't mind playing with the other kids which was rare since I was teased a lot. Mostly for wearing glasses, and the only pro to wearing classes was that the thick frames hid some of my freckles.  
There were a few people that just didn't care, like the twins and Jean. Anna was my very best friend. If anyone bothered us, we would always run to Annie. No one had the nerve to stand toe to toe with Annie, so They left Anna and I alone for the most part. Which included excluding us from their games at recess or hopscotch in front of the school. We never really cared much after the sting wore off, especially after we started hanging out with Jean.  
Jean showed up halfway through my sixth grade year. He was in eighth grade and had already developed a reputation. He apparently was expelled from his last school and this was the last resort.  
Whatever reason, Anna was fascinated. From the very first story, Anna stood with her face scrunched while Annie told her not to even think about it. Anna had always wanted the truth, Annie always shielded her from it...and she was quite good at it. Whether it was chocolate, cash bribery, a new video game, or her portion of lunch, Annie was always able to keep her twin away from the brooding boy who smoked his Exeters by the side of the school during recess. Our school's recess had every other grade paired up for recess. The Fifth and seventh graders always shared a recess, just like the either graders who where down to their last recess a day, shared with the sixth graders.  
One day Annie went home sick right after breakfast with a stomach ache. After the worry for her sister had dissipated, she saw her golden opportunity. So when the bell rang for recess, with all the enthusiasm her tiny frame could handle, she drug me clear across the playground by the arm until we were standing right beside the vandal himself.  
" Are you really here because you got expelled?" Anna blurted.  
He looked down at us while I clutched Anna's arm in fear and whispered in her ear, " You're gunna get us killed!"  
He eyed us over with a disinterest while he put out his cigarette with his boot.  
" Yeah, for smoking." was all he said with a hint of a smile, I couldn't tell if he was serious or not.  
" They cause cancer you know. I'm Anna."  
His eyebrows raised further and I thought maybe he would yell at us to leave, but he didn't.  
" Jean...and who's that pipsqueak."  
I nearly balked in astonishment before managing out a small, " Marco Bodt!"   
" Marco. Anna." he mulled over, " and why aren't you over there playing with the rest of your class?"  
" They're mean. They call Marco "freckle face" and "four eyes" and They say I'm just a loud, dumb girl." Anna scowled, brushing her blonde hair away from her eyes.  
" Oh, do They? Well if They do, you come and tell me and I'll make those little fuckers stop."  
Both Anna and I were in awe of his bold tongue and brave proclamation. It was like an immediate bond established between outsiders that had no place among anyone else.   
After that, we were inseparable. It had taken Annie a while to come around, mostly out of annoyance that her younger counterpart had defied her, but she eventually did. She could relate to Jean on a lot of levels.  
Jean looked after the lot of us. He beat people up who were mean to us, he actually played along with our pretend games...being the Red Ranger in our Power Ranger's lineup, brought us snacks and treats, and let me smoke my first cigarette and patted my back in sympathy the whole time I hacked my lung out and he laughed.  
As the school year started to come to an end, everything changed. It had started with a simple note passed from Anna in Geography. We were tired of hearing about Peru so we decided to pry the other for information instead about the end of the year middle school dance. After much delving, Anna admitted she wanted to ask a boy named Matt from our math class and that Annie wanted to ask Tyler, who usually sat across from us.  
She kept asking, but in my mind there was only one person who I wanted to go with and it made me uncomfortable to admit it, even to myself. After more asking, she saw how worked up I was getting and promised to drop it until recess.  
We scurried to the lowest part of the Jungle Gym that no one ever went by and sat side by side once we were released from class to go play.  
" Just tell me Marco, I won't make fun. Promise." She drew an "x" over her heart in validation.  
With a shaky breathe, I mustered up all my courage and let it out in one monster sentence, " Iwanttotakeaboyokayisthatokayoristhatbad?"   
She blinked a few times as if she was trying to make sense of what I said, but once she processed it she just nodded.  
" Oh, well, who then? My uncle Tom likes guys too. He's really nice and he has a boat and a boyfriend." Though her tone was a relief, I couldn't bring myself to tell her who.  
" It's okay, just write it down." She said pushing a pencil from her bag and the note we had written earlier into my hand.  
" I like Jean Kirsten."   
I wrote and stared at it then started at it some more. Just whenever I thought Anna might explode from curiosity, I handed it to her and watched as her eyes roamed over the four words reply, gauging her reaction.  
" Ohhh, well that makes sense.." was all she said.   
She stood up and started off, barely giving me time to fold the paper and stick it in my back pocket.  
" C'mon! Let's go see if Jean and Annie want to play some kickball."  
Annie was nowhere to be found so Anna went to look for her while I waited by the fence we always played by. I saw Jean walking my way and called out to him. He didn't look at me until he was standing at eye level, him bending down so that I could see his hazel eyes. My heart started beating loudly in my chest, he had never gotten this close before.  
" I don't ever want you to come near me again you little freak."  
I felt my heart snap into a million pieces and my chest refused to allow me to breathe.  
The next instant I was falling hard on the ground. There was a loud crunch followed by a sticky feeling spreading on my face mixing in with tears that were streaming down my cheeks. He tossed a piece of paper at me, I tried to reach for it but the pain was too much.   
" Marco!" I heard Anna scream and could see her running towards me followed by Annie.  
" Why did Jean push you like that? " she asked, tears welling and catching in her lashes as she tried to dry off my face. Red blotches covered her shirt sleeve and the sight made me cry harder.   
" Go get the teacher Anna!" Annie yelled, setting Anna in motion.  
Clutched in Annie's hand was the letter I finally recognized as the note that Anna and I had been passing back and forth. New tears formed in my eyes as I finally started to understand. She dealt the final blow.  
" Some people think that if you're a boy who likes a boy, that it's gross and wrong. You shouldn't tell people about this until you're older."   
It was then and there that I had learned a hard but valuable lesson in life. It was another wall that I had put up between myself and being a normal boy. The next few hours were a blur, being taken to one place to the other with only one thought on my mind. I did this. This was all my fault. I was taken to the hospital with a broken nose, two cracked ribs, and my arm was put in a sling. Afterward, my mom took me down to the police station.  
" Is that the boy that attacked you son?" the nice officer asked.  
Sitting in the room that I could see into, Jean sat with his arms folded across his chest, staring blankly down at his combat boots.  
" No sir." I told him.  
" You don't have to worry son, he won't hurt you. He can't even see you, this is a one way mirror. You can tell the truth, you won't get in trouble."  
" No, it wasn't him officer. Honest."  
It didn't feel like it was him. The Jean that I knew would have never pushed me to the ground like that. He would have beat the snot out of anyone else that would have tried. He would have picked me up off the ground and rubbed the blood from my nose and carried me to the nurses office. That person, no matter what They saw that I had written on that paper, wouldn't have done that to me...right?  
With that, Jean left and I hadn't seen or heard from him again. While Anna and Annie went to the dance at school with Tyler and Matt., I stayed home with a broken arm and a broken heart and cried.   
" Marco, yo! Earth to Marco! How long have you been sitting here?" Anna asked bemused as she tapped on the drivers side window. A while, I thought. I rolled down the window and gave my room mate a tired smile.  
" Not too long, just was thinking."  
" Well, try not to think so hard, you look so pale and tired. Let's go in, I made tacos. Oh, and some papers got faxed for you today, I laid them on your table. James called too, I left the deets on a sticky note next to the house phone. I get paid for being your part time secretary right?" she teased.   
Sliding off my blazer and loosening my tie, I walked into my room with doubled as an office. Glancing down at the paper, I recognized it immediately. It was the official documentation confirming my acceptance of one Jean Kirsten as a client. I picked up my pen and hovered above the dotted line. Did I really want to open up that old wound again? I owed a lot to Jean, but, I was sure this wasn't the way to repay it.  
I closed my eyes and thought about the note that had ended one of the biggest friendships that I had ever cherished. I thought about the way my life could have been if my name had not have graced the same paper as Jeans.  
When I opened them again, I dropped my pen and shoved the papers into my " Not Accepted" tab in my filing cabinet and didn't look back as I closed the door behind me.   



End file.
